"I Can See Clearly Now, Part 2" by Troy H. Cheek on Apr 07, 2004

In case you missed yesterday's column, I was driving through town when I realized that I could see as well without my glasses as with them, spurring an impulse buy at a place with signs out front that said FREE EYE EXAMS TODAY, WALK-INS WELCOME, and 50% OFF ALL FRAMES.

I practiced nodding and grunting in the right places until the doctor was through with the exam and gave me a prescription for my new lenses, which were just a tad stronger than the old. My eyes are not going bad nearly as fast as my family doctor keeps telling me they should. I think it worries him that I'm in such good health while I'm dying.

"Joyce, I'm going to the lake. Just as soon as I take down some signs."

"Okay, Doctor. Young man, your lenses will be ready next week."

I pointed out the ONE HOUR part of the sign outside.

"Well, yes, but you'll have to wait."

I had nothing but time.

First plan was to put the new lenses in my existing frames, but it turned out that they were a different size than the old lenses. Oh, they could cut the new lenses down to make them fit, but that would take until next week. I asked to see some new frames.

"Those frames look very nice on you. And they'll accept the new lenses without modification. They're $180."

"That's $90 with the discount, right?"

"What discount?"

I pointed out that the sign said all frames were 50% off. The doctor hadn't pulled that one up yet. He was too busy arguing with the nice police officer about putting up signs on the right of way without paying the appropriate fees.

It took them about 20 minutes to try to explain that, yes, "all" frames were on sale, but that didn't mean all the frames in the store were on sale. It just meant that all the frames in the store that were on sale were on sale. It turned out that "all" frames meant the old, cheap ones they were trying to get rid of.

I tried on a few of those, found one that fit my face and would fit the lenses, and told them to go to it.

"...ready in about a week."

I pointed out the ONE HOUR part of the sign.

"Well, yes, but you'll have to wait."

I had nothing but time. I picked a comfy chair and started thumbing through magazines. I was even nice and opened the door for the doctor when he came back in with the signs, since he'd already bounced his face off the door twice trying to get through by himself. I'm sure I could have learned many new and interesting words had he not had that bandana over his mouth stop the bleeding.

Eventually, the glasses were ready and, seeing clearly and brightly, I paid the nice ladies. "And those frames have a lifetime guarantee, young man. If you ever have any problems with them, just bring them back and we'll fix them for you, free of charge."

A year or two later, a screw fell out and my left lens decided to skitter down a flight of stairs. I found the lens but couldn't find the screw. No problem. I drove back to the one hour eyeglasses place. They didn't recognize me.

I explained that a screw had fallen out and I needed a new one. They looked at my glasses. "Young man, we don't sell this type of frame. You should take it back to the place where you bought it."

I explained that this was the place where I bought it.

"Oh, you must be mistaken, young man. We haven't sold this type of frame in years."

I showed them my receipt. I think they recognized me then.

Joyce handed off my glasses to another nice lady who disappeared with them for a while. "We don't have a screw that matches, but I was able to get a slightly larger one in there. The next time you need service, you should take it back to the place where you bought it. We don't sell this type of frame here."

I showed her my receipt. The other ladies ushered her back to the back at that point. "Will there be anything else, young man?"

No, that was all.

"That will be $20."

I showed them my receipt again, which said lifetime guarantee. They grumbled a bit but let me walk out without paying.

A year or two later, I lost another screw, this one holding one of the arms on. I drove back to the one hour eyeglasses place. They didn't recognize me.

I explained that a screw had fallen out and I needed a new one. They looked at my glasses. "Young man, we don't sell this type of frame. You should take it back to the place where you bought it."

I explained that this was the place where I bought it.

"Oh, you must be mistaken, young man. We've never sold this type of frame."

I showed them my receipt. I think they recognized me then.

It took them about 20 minutes to explain that, yes, it was a "lifetime" guarantee, but they no longer sold that type of frame and nobody working there now had ever worked on that type of frame and wouldn't know the first thing about locating a screw of that size which they didn't have any of anyway. Oh, they could send it off to another facility in another state. "Your glasses will be back next week. That will be $20."

I didn't bother pointing out the ONE HOUR part of the sign. I did question the $20. That, it turns out, is the fee they'd have to pay to get the work done at the other facility. I'd have to pay it or otherwise they would have to pay it. I didn't see a problem there. Or, if there was a problem, it was theirs and not mine. But it turns out that my "lifetime" guarantee only covered "any" repairs that they could do on-site with available parts and tools.

Instead, I checked a few other eyeglasses places around town and finally got a screw from a local jeweler. The only one he had that was the right diameter and thread count was too long, but he epoxied it into place before he cut off the excess length so he didn't think it would fall out. He also tightened up the rest of the screws in the glasses.

All for no charge, as I'd told him the whole story while he worked and he felt sorry for me. He wanted me to know that not all businessmen in that town were like that.

I think I know where I'm going to buy my next piece of jewelry.

Why tell this story now? Well, I've just about reached the point where I can see as well without my glasses as I can with them, recently cleaned or not, so it's time for another eye exam. Back then, I had to pay all expenses out of pocket. Now, I have vision insurance from work. I'm sure that will make everything easier.

And pigs will start dive bombing eagles any day now.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$