"Cable Modem Desires" by Troy H. Cheek on Aug 02, 2004

My distant (and possibly unrelated) cousin Bill Cheek finally convinced me that the internet was the wave of the future and I needed to get me a cable modem. Unfortunately, this was in 1997 and cable internet service would not be available in my area until 2002. I decided that I couldn't wait that long for internet access.

"Thank you for calling Bubba's Discount Internet Service and Barbeque Pit, home of the All-You-Can-Eat-Pig's-Knuckles Breakfast Buffet. Can I interest you in a free Bag-o'-Pig-Parts?"

"Not today, thanks. I was calling to see if your internet service is available in my area?" I gave her my address and phone number.

"Of course it is, sir. Why, Chattanooga has had internet service for 20 years!"

I tried to explain to her that, 20 years ago, the internet wasn't even called the internet. Instead of the internet, we had a collection of independent nets that didn't share data easily. What we today call the internet is actually a collection of independent nets that do share data easily, but that's a topic for a future article.

Since I wasn't getting anywhere with that, I tried a different approach. "Internet service in Chattanooga doesn't do me any good. I live in Benton. That's not a local call."

"But, sir, Chattanooga is a local call from Cleveland. Just dial in."

"Chattanooga is indeed a local call from Cleveland," I admitted. "But it is a long distance call from Benton."

"That can't be, sir. I live in Cleveland and I call family in Benton all the time. It's a local call."

Sigh. "It is a local call between Benton and Cleveland. It is a local call between Cleveland and Chattanooga. It is not, however, a local call between Benton and Chattanooga."

"That makes no sense, sir. Surely, if you can call a location locally, you can certainly call all the locations that location can call locally, locally."

"By that logic, and I use the term loosely, I should be able to call cousin Bill in California locally since I can connect the dots through local calling networks all the way out there."

"I assure you that Chattanooga is a local call from Benton, sir."

"Fine. Then I'll sign up for your service only if you'll put in the service agreement that you'll pay any long distance charges I incur while using your service."

Gasp. "Sir, I can't make an agreement to pay phone charges like that!"

"Why not? According to you, there aren't any."

"Hold please."

The hold music was the local AM radio station. A Christian radio station. I spent 20 minutes listening to how I was going to burn in Hell for all eternity. Then things went downhill.

"Who am I talking to?" the gruff voice asked.

I told him who I was, and he in turn identified himself as Bubba. The Bubba. As in Bubba's Discount Internet Service and Barbeque Pit, home of the All-You-Can-Eat-Pig's-Knuckles Breakfast Buffet.

"Nice to meet you, Bubba. No, I don't think I'm interested in a free Bag-o'-Pig-Parts. I was asking about internet service."

"Well, if you want service, we can sign you up, but don't be arguing with my girls about your phone bill."

"Sorry, Bubba. I just that I don't want to sign up if I have to call from Benton to Chattanooga to access the internet. The long distance phone charges would eat me alive."

"Oh, you should have said so. Why don't you just use one of our Cleveland access numbers?"

Because nobody ever mentioned them and I had no idea they existed, I wanted to answer. Instead, I sucked in my gut and signed up.

A week or so later, I got my starter kit in the mail. It was five floppy disks which installed my very first browser, Internet Netscape Opera Explorer Navigator 3.14159 or something like that. I had the World Wide Web, I had email, and I even had my own personal webspace.

I had planned to keep my website on my computer, then keep my computer connected to the internet via the cable modem, so that everyone could enjoy my genius. But then I couldn't get a cable modem, and I didn't want to tie up my only phone line by computer online all the time, so I had to give up that plan. But with my own personal webspace, I could still have a website.

I created Catfish Corner because Catfish was a nickname I had growing up and Corner evoked a down home country feel. Besides, it was just a little vanity website and I didn't expect it to ever grow into anything worth looking at, so I didn't think the name really meant that much.

Many years later, after innumerable sales solicitations by people who were just convinced I was running a restaurant or fishing guide service, I had reason to regret it. But I'm stubborn and don't give up easily.

I looked at some "web development packages" and found them all wanting. Besides, where's the fun if you don't understand the basics of what you're doing? I started teaching myself HTML by the simple method of checking out other websites, then looking at the source code to see how it was they'd done whatever cute little trick had caught my eye. The website grew in leaps and bounds.

If I'd known that some day I'd have over a thousand pages and files on my website, I might have done it a little differently.

Even though I upgraded from my old 14.4 kbps modem to a sporty 33.6 kbps model, the World Wide Web was still the World Wide Wait. I still wanted that cable modem. And I would get it.

But not yet.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$