"Hellular Service Part 2" by Troy H. Cheek on Sep 27, 2004

As I mentioned last week, I once got talked into signing up for cellular phone service with Local Cellular Provider "A" by local Rip-Off Shed manager Myron. After I discovered that pretty much every detail Myron told me about my phone service was wrong, I went back to the store to discuss the situation with him. Myron was nowhere to be seen. I asked and was told that he had been given the opportunity to return to regional headquarters for more training.

I didn't give up, though. I called around and found a dealer for Local Cellular Provider "B". I explained the problems I'd had with service plans and coverage and whatnot. They explained their service plan in great detail, answering all my questions and giving real-world examples, and while it didn't have as many features as the one I thought I had signed up with the first time, the cost just couldn't be beat. As for coverage, why didn't I try a loaner?

A loaner?

"Yes, sir. A loaner is a cellular phone that we loan you so you can drive around and make sure you have a usable signal everywhere you go. No one should ever try to sell you a cellular phone plan without giving you that opportunity."

The loaner worked fine all around town. In fact, I dropped by where I worked, started a call, and kept talking all during the drive home, finally hanging up when I stepped onto my front porch. The next day, I returned the loaner, then started signing up for service. I noticed, however, the contract didn't explain the rate plan, but instead said I was signing up for Cost Saver Elite. The exact rates couldn't be specified in the contract, I was told, because Cost Saver Elite rates and other features might change in the future. Yes, I countered, but what about now? There's nothing written here which will keep me from signing up for a totally different plan than what you're telling me.

"No, sir, that couldn't possibly happen."

I explained to them that this is exactly what had happened when I signed up with the other Local Cellular Provider earlier that month.

I ended up having to go to the regional office, which luckily was right in town, to find someone with the authority to create a custom contract. This was basically a handwritten addition which described what the Cost Saver Elite current rates were and specified that in the event that the Cost Saver Elite rates changed in the future, I was expected to pay the new rates.

I noted immediately that the rates the regional manager wrote down were not the ones on the advertisement I had brought with me. I didn't complain, though, because they were slightly lower. I did point out, however, that one plan was offering more "free" minutes per month than the other, both charging the same for "extra" minutes, but when you did the math, you were better off getting the plan with fewer "free" minutes and just paying for the "extra" ones. She punched some numbers into her calculator and said I must be mistaken. I scribbled on paper for a while (always show your work!) and told her that I was afraid I wasn't. We bickered back and forth and I determined that she (and the couple of other people she had helping) didn't understand the use of the decimal point as pertains to money.

100 cents = $1.00 and 25 cents = $0.25, right? Well, she was showing a "extra" minute rate of 0.25c (the c being a cents sign, which isn't on my keyboard). I tried for a half hour to explain that she was saying the "extra" minutes cost one-quarter of one cent (0.25 cents), not the one-quarter of one dollar (25 cents) which she obviously meant. She assured me that 0.25c per "extra" minute was what the Cost Saver Elite plan specified. Well, who am I to argue with savings like that? I signed.

Then came time to pick out the phone itself. I already knew exactly which model I wanted. The loaner I had used had a huge battery and a really big antenna, so I knew I would get plenty of talk time and extra coverage in the fringe areas. It also had a really loud speaker that had no trouble drowning out the engine and road noise of my 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88. I described the phone, and she said that they didn't have a phone like that. I told her that at least one store had one, because they were using it as a loaner. At my request, she called the store and they confirmed they had one much like I described. However, she told me, this model was no longer made and was not available for sale and, no, I couldn't buy the loaner from them. I seriously considered buying one of the little wimpy phones they had, but then I figured that somewhere up the line somebody with decent math skills would eventually read that contract. I'd be stuck with a phone I didn't like and a service plan that cost too much. I decided to decline signing up at this time.

That's my cellular phone story. I've not tried to sign up again with any service since. However, since I do have such a long drive to my current place of employment, I have borrowed a phone from a friend. If you see someone pulling off to the side of the road to answer a phone call, that would be me.

Pull over and join me. The life you save might be mine.

Copyright 2004 by Troy H. Cheek. Reprint with prior written permission only. Comments and questions to $mail:theview$