"How to Communicate with your Man" by Troy H. Cheek on Aug 11, 2008
Due to popular demand, not to mention misunderstandings which have left me sleeping on the couch more often than I'd like, I've decided to write a few words to assist you women in communicating with your man more effectively.
First thing I hear from you, of course, is "Communication? What communication? Men don't communicate!" This is quite untrue. Men communicate just as much as women. The difference is that when men have nothing to say, they stop talking.
Also, if it is important, make sure to tell your man at least three times. The first time, he didn't quite catch what you said, but doesn't want to look like a fool by asking you to repeat yourself. The second time, he thought you were joking. He'll catch it the third time.
It's been my observation that women build intimacy in a relationship by talking about things. Mostly, they talk about the intimacy in the relationship. Since your man doesn't want to participate in these discussions, you no doubt fear that he doesn't want more intimacy or perhaps doesn't even want the relationship. This is not the case. Men don't see relationships as something one talks about, but rather as something one does. By simply doing things with you or even just being in the same general vicinity as you, your man is building on your relationship. He'd be quite happy spending the entire day working with you on the yard or some other project without the two of you saying as much as three words to each other. He'll come away with a renewed sense of intimacy and confidence in the relationship, happy that you two have shown once again that you can work as a seamless team. You'll be upset that he never once told you that he loved you.
Another misconception is that your man never thinks. You no doubt believe this because every time you ask your man what he's thinking, he can never give you a decent answer. In fact, your man is thinking constantly. However, this thinking is usually at a background level of which he is not consciously aware. All he knows is that thoughts and ideas spring forth fully formed into his mind at random intervals. Often, your man will come up with a brilliant idea, but not be willing to explain to you how he came up with it. He is not being stubborn or refusing to communicate. This is simply one of those ideas that was kicked forth by the background process. He doesn't understand where it came from any more than you do; he just won't admit it. Now, on occasion your man will attempt to actually think a problem through, devoting a great deal of time and effort to the problem. However, he will never be doing this when you ask him "What are you thinking?" Thanks to Murphy's Law, he will be blissfully empty of conscious thought at any particular time you ask that question.
How can you get your man to talk about his feelings? You can't. Trying to force him to will just drive him away. Does that mean you will never know how he feels about you? Of course not. First of all, you can tell how he feels by how he acts and what he does. That he's there with you, sharing things with you, doing things with you, is an expression of his love. Secondly, he will do many things to express his feelings that you will not recognize as such, like working lots of overtime so you'll have more money to spend, or buying you a new vacuum cleaner or blender. (To a man, the gift of a tool is the ultimate expression of love.) Finally, your man will on very rare occasions spontaneously come forth with an expression of love that you will recognize as such, either by saying it or getting frisky or giving flowers or something along those lines. It is very important to react in the proper manner when he does these things. You must learn to accept all exressions of love, even blenders, both gracefully and graciously. To react calmly and unexpressively (the way he usually reacts to anything you give to or do for him) is to tell your man that you do not appreciate this expression of love. To go overboard with gushing praise is to tell your man that you are surprised by this expression of love, as if he doesn't do something like that often enough. Either reaction will reduce the odds of your man trying something like that in the future. You must learn to be appreciative without being overreactive.
I'm sure by now some of you are muttering about what I said earlier about doing things together. "Everytime I offer to help him with something, he snaps my head off!" Well, that might have something to do with how you present your offer. No offense, but I've seen women barrell in, shove their man aside, pretty much take over, and then later describe their actions as "I offered to help." You must offer to help your man before you actually start helping. Offer before you start moving in his general direction. Heck, offer before you even put down your book or turn off your TV show. Above all, do not offer in such a way as to make it sound like you think your man actually needs your help. Even if he does. Especially if he does. And do not under any circumstances ask as if you are amused by his inability to do the project himself. Remember, your man bases his sense of self worth on what he can do for you. To imply that he can't do the job himself or that you are amused by his failures is to imply that he isn't a man.
Please do not use this as an excuse to not take action which will save your man from death, maiming, excessive property damage, loss of revenue, or major embarrassment. Yes, your man snapped at you when you pointed out that he was mounting the bathroom vent fan so it sucks instead of blows, but that was a minor mistake which could be easily corrected. That's no excuse for not pointing out that he was wiring DC track lights directly to AC power, a mistake that could easily be fatal. Just because your man griped about your backseat driving as he was taking you to the restaurant using the scenic route is no reason not to point out to him that he's about to enter the worst part of town with only 1/50th of a tank of gas left.
Never, ever ask a man how you look in this pair of shoes or that dress or whatever. Your man has no idea what constitutes style, fashion, or common sense. He buys grey, white, and black because someone once told him they always match each other. He thinks you look beautiful no matter what you're wearing, and so he can't be trusted to give you an honest opinion, anyway.
Any woman who asks her man "Dear, do these pants make me look fat?" deserves to get an answer like "Honey, do these shoes make me look stupid?"
And if your car breaks down on the side of the road and your man insists on trying to fix it himself, don't argue. Just sneak quietly off to the side and call the auto club. Instruct them to say they were just driving by, and though he obviously doesn't need any help, if he would just let them work on the car for him, they could tell their boss that they actually did some work today. Your man will appreciate you for it. He may never actually say it, but he will appreciate you.
